How to Tell a Child That Someone Has Died

One of the hardest conversations any adult faces is telling a child that someone they love has died. There is no script that makes it easy. But there is a great deal of research — and the accumulated wisdom of organisations like Winston's Wish and Child Bereavement UK — that can help you approach it in a way that is honest, age-appropriate, and genuinely supportive for the child. This guide draws on that evidence to give you practical guidance.

Age-appropriate explanations: what children understand at different ages

Children's understanding of death develops gradually as they grow. Matching your explanation to their developmental stage is important — an explanation that is too abstract for a young child will confuse rather than comfort, while one that is over-simplified for a teenager may feel patronising or dishonest.

Under 5s have a very concrete, present-focused understanding of the world. They do not yet grasp the permanence of death, and may repeatedly ask where the person has gone, or when they are coming back. Use very simple, physical language: "Grandma's body stopped working and she died. She cannot come back." Expect the question to be asked many times as they gradually process the reality.

Children aged 5 to 8 are beginning to understand that death is permanent, but may still have magical thinking and believe they can wish or pray someone back to life. They may ask very specific, practical questions: "Where is the body?" or "Is Uncle David cold?" These questions are healthy and should be answered honestly and calmly. They may also worry that other people they love — or they themselves — will die soon.

Children aged 8 to 12 typically have a full understanding that death is permanent and universal. They can understand explanations about illness, accidents, or old age. They may want to know the facts — what happened, where, and why — and may ask questions that feel difficult or blunt. Answer them as honestly as you can, even if the full truth is painful.

Teenagers often have complex, adult-like emotional responses to bereavement but may mask these behind apparent indifference, anger, or withdrawal. They may need space to process privately as well as opportunities for connection. Be honest, be consistent, and do not pretend everything is fine when it clearly is not.

Using honest language: why euphemisms cause harm

Research consistently shows that using euphemisms with bereaved children causes confusion, anxiety, and longer-term difficulties. Common phrases to avoid — and why:

• "Gone to sleep" or "sleeping forever": can cause genuine sleep anxiety and fear of going to bed, particularly in young children
• "We've lost him": children may take this literally and believe the person can be found, or feel responsible for the "loss"
• "Passed away" or "passed on": abstract and meaningless to young children; older children may find it evasive
• "Gone to a better place": unless you hold this belief sincerely, avoid it — inconsistency with other messages causes confusion

The words "died" and "dead" are not cruel — they are clear and respectful. Using them models to the child that this is a topic that can be talked about openly, which is enormously important for their long-term processing of grief.

When and where to tell them

Tell a child as soon as reasonably possible after the death. When children are told later — or find out from another source — they often feel excluded, distrustful, and unsupported. The desire to "protect" a child by withholding the news is understandable, but it generally does more harm than good.

Choose a familiar, safe environment for the conversation — home is usually best. Do not tell a child at school, in a public place, or just before a significant event like a birthday party or exam. Allow enough time that the conversation does not need to end abruptly. Sit close to the child, at their level, with no phones or other distractions.

Where possible, have another trusted adult present — a parent, grandparent, or carer — so that the child has support even if you yourself become overwhelmed by emotion. Seeing adults express grief is not harmful; it normalises emotional responses and reassures the child that sadness is appropriate and shared.

What children might feel and how to support them

Children's grief responses are highly varied and do not always look the way adults expect. Common responses include:

• Regression: younger children may revert to bedwetting, thumb-sucking, or wanting to sleep with parents — this is normal and should not be punished
• Acting out or aggression: particularly in primary-school-aged children; behaviour problems at school or home may be the primary expression of grief
• Hyper-normality: some children seem entirely unbothered, continuing with normal activities immediately — this is also a normal grief response, not evidence that they did not care
• Physical complaints: stomachaches, headaches, and difficulty sleeping are common physical expressions of grief in children
• Delayed grief: children sometimes process bereavement weeks, months, or even years later — often at a developmental milestone when the loss becomes more meaningful

The most helpful thing adults can do is to maintain routines, stay available for conversations, name emotions helpfully ("It sounds like you are feeling sad and angry, and that makes complete sense"), and not force the child to talk when they are not ready.

Should children attend the funeral?

The research evidence — supported by both Winston's Wish and Child Bereavement UK — is clear: children who are given a genuine choice about attending a funeral, with an honest explanation of what to expect, generally cope better than those who are excluded. Exclusion can reinforce the idea that death is a secret, shameful, or too-dangerous subject, which makes future processing harder.

The key principles are:

• Give a genuine choice: explain what will happen at the funeral — that there will be a coffin or an urn, that people will cry, that there may be singing and speeches — and then ask if they would like to come
• Never force attendance: a child who does not want to attend should not be made to; offer an alternative way to say goodbye (a private visit, writing a letter, or choosing a flower)
• Prepare them: walk them through what they will see and hear; unfamiliar rituals are far less frightening when they have been explained in advance
• Assign a named adult: designate one adult whose sole job is to look after the child during the service, so they can leave if needed without disrupting anyone